Ok ladies and gents that may read this, I am offically switched over to LJ.  But, I think I've decided when I post on LJ, I will cross post it here so those who still want to read can. However, I will write more in LJ and it will be more personal stuff because I can control who is reading it (muhahaha!)

So, if you'd like to read the LJ version, my name on there is also fallanstar It will be mainly friends only soon so you'll need an account to view all the good stuff probably.  And, I may eventually just get tired of posting on two journals and only post on LJ. 

Just wanted to let yall know :-) Have a great weekend!

I have so, so much to update on. This day has been a whirl-wind of emotions but over all a good day. I got through my one class of the day, of which my teacher talked about the magical ways of females and how just our presence causes certain male body parts to levitate. Way too funny. This kind of teacher makes college/learning worth it and fun.

Then I had lots of free time and I finally get my LJ looking semi-decent (thanks to Denise! Thank you so much for your help!). The chocolate seems fitting for Valentines coming up, plus I love chocolate. Jessica came over after her classes and we looked through alot of flyers and stuff she picked up at the Housing Fair. I was really nervous about getting an apartment and stressing about it because I have to decide within a few weeks or else I can't get into a dorm. I don't like feeling rushed into decisions, especially major ones! I told her my worries and we worked to get the ones we liked narrowed down. I felt like I would keep stressing about it until I had a place for sure to live next semester and tada! With God' amazing grace we got one picked out! Jessica knows a friend that lives in these apartments and we happened to run into him when we were picking her car up to go look at some apartments and he said we could just look at his. We loved it obviously. I think it's small and cute;white paneled walls, 2 bed rooms, one bath, kitchen and living room. There is a bar to sit out WITH bar stools, so no need to buy a table (YAY!). And, it's FURNISHED! No need to buy furniture! AND it's all new furniture, new appliances, getting new lamps and stuff. Wasn't loud, lots of parking, etc. It's perfect. And best of all...the price. You get lots of good stuff for the money and it's well within our budget I think including utilities. I am so freggin' excited. I absolutely love Jessica and really can't imagine myself rooming with anyone else, I think we're going to have an awesome time next year. Mark says when she comes around to Campus Crusade and stuff I light up and smile, it's nice to have friends that I can be girly with and laugh. We've known each other since we were 5, that amazes me. I just feel like God has His hand all in this and it's all going to be ok. There's a reason why after all these years I found her again and we still 'click' like we did in Kindergarden. And she's going to be my room mate! AND I get my own room! YAY!

The only thing I'm worried about is getting to class and having to ride the bus, argh. But Jessica does that now and it works out fine. I just got to get used to it. I think over all it will be worth it (my sanity especially) and it will be a good learning experience. Mark and Jessica's boyfriend Caleb are already planning to play video games over at our place. Oh, it's going to be great.

On sad news, a good friend from Camp died this morning. He was 18 years old and 2 weeks away from going to the Army. He was a Leader-In-Training (LIT) with me 2 and a half years ago at Camp. So we all spent 3 weeks together bonding and then on the 3rd week we went on the Appalachian Trail for the week. Will was like my big brother. If I stumbled on a rock he was right behind me making sure I was ok. When there was a huge hail/thunder storm on top of the mountian with NO shelter, NO raincoat (it was freezing and I seriously wanted to give up and die but they kept me going), Will stayed by me all night making sure I was warm. Will had an amazing, extremely white smile, you couldn't see him smile and not smile yourself. He had a good heart and touched so many lives. He worked at camp as a counselor last summer while I was a CIT (Counselor-In-Training) and he was always so good with kids.

Knowing that Will is gone and I will never see him again is hard. We weren't REALLY close, we only talked during summers at camp, but I consider him very close to my heart reguardless. Knowing he's gone just leaves me...dumbfounded. The world goes on and this sweet boy is gone. I won't ever see that smile again or get a big hug. It makes me realize how short life is. Who knows when it's our last day with someone. It makes me cherish life and those around me even more. It scares me. It leaves me with so many questions of death in general and where he is now, was he saved? I keep thinking "I didn't get to say goodbye." But, seriously, when do we ever KNOW something like that will happen and get to say goodbye. I feel blessed that I got to spend another 3 weeks with him at Camp this past summer. That was my goodbye. God had a plan, He knew and I was able to get my last hug from Will.

RIP Will. I love you dearly and will miss you terribly. This world isn't the same without you.

On another note, tonight was After Dark which was a concert by Tait (the black guy from DC Talk) and a speaker named Joe White. Absolutely powerful and amazing. Concerts are always great and fun but the speaker, holy cow. His message was basically the power of the Cross, what it symbolizes and all that Jesus truly did for us on that Cross and how much He loves us and wants to be our Dad, to be there the whole way through the end. I was in tears. Of course we all make our mistakes and have our faults but it really hit me last night ALL that Jesus did for me. Lately I've struggled with keeping God center of my life and I feel like something is holding me back, I still do. But last night, I just can't explain how powerful of a message it was. I also think I cried so much because I hadn't really cried about Will yet, this message with the grief of losing him just topped it all off and I had to let it out (Thanks for the tissue and holding me Mark!). Joe gave us chains to remember of our commitment and how we want to strive to be chain bonded to Jesus and His heart and ways, not our own or just pretending to be Christian. Really live and be on fire for Christ, that's what I want to be. He built a Cross out of wood on stage and all of us wrote down our sins and a message to God and it was nailed to the cross. I kept looking up seeing those pieces of paper with so much pain and guilt written on them and I could almost see Jesus stretched out and suffering up there (which made me cry harder), He really did alot for us. Wow.

You know, as I sit here procrastinating and eating chocolate when I should be reading for World Civilizations, I keep thinking about how many of us girls or guys my age have come to college and connected with other people in a new way and..found love. Not just any love, not shallow high school love, but love. It just amazes me.  College is hard and demanding and no, not everyone finds good relationships and love here, but it seems to be a prime place.  I feel lucky I'm in that selection, but sad that others I know haven't got to experience it and that they feel they are less because of that when they shouldn't.  Sorry, I know that was pretty pointless but I just feel so blessed right now. Things for a change (compared to the past months) are looking up, I'm happy, I'm right in all my relationships, right in school, right in life.  All because I'm finally right with God again. My life is in God's hands and He's blown me away with all He's done in just a matter of a few weeks, all by me surrendering everything to Him. Look what's He's done with it and all my broken pieces, He amazes me.  Through Him my life feels finally back on track and I'm hopefully about the future.  I have peace. 

This weekend was amazing, went even better than I imagined and lots of fun.  Friday Mark and I left EARLIER than planned (that NEVER happens with me alone because I take forever to do anything) because we are super good planners together and get things done (yay team work!). We drove, and drove, and drove, and it seemed like forever but we finally got to my Dad's about 6:30.  To be quite honest, I think I was more nervous than Mark was.  I like having approval of things, I like knowing I'm doing the right thing and making the right choices so Mark meeting my dad's side of the family was crucial to me. Especially, since they have never met any of my bf's in the past, but Mark is different than them. They're opinion of Mark matters because he is that special to me and he possibily could be my future.  But, everything turned out great and I hope they enjoyed us being there as much as we did.

We ate yummy breakfast made by Cyndi and went to see Andrew play basketball.  Mark loved going to that because he loves basketball and I think Andrew really liked having us there too. We weren't going to go at first but when he asked us to come watch him and we said we couldn't, his face fell fast and hard. It was quite sad.  So we got ready fast and made it in time to see him.  Then we HAD to get really good lunch at Chargrill and then we watch the new Willy Wonka movie while cuddling with the doggies and Emily.  By the way, the dogs loved Mark as much as everyone else which I thought was pretty cute. The minute he sat down they were there ready to be pet and jump in his lap.  Of course, they love just about anyone but still...

Then we played Life and Mark became a millonaire and beat us all.  Good thing the little pink person in his car was ME! Muhahaha! Just kidding. He was a doctor and apparently a very good one and he had a baby girl.  I was a athlete star, which I find halarious because I hate athletics! I told them I was a gymnist or figure skater, it atleast had to be something femanine I could actually see myself doing.  I made good money but sadly, no children for me this game. Last Life game my car was overflowing with kids haha!  We went to bed early because we have found that being around kids all the time is exhausting!  I'm not used to it anymore, I can't imagine having kids all the time with no breaks. I'm sure it'll be worth it someday though. 

Sunday we all went to my church.  Sadly, the music wasn't as good as normal but I think the message was great and Mark got alot out of it.  The message was on Fishers of Men (witnessing to others, God using us, and ourselves being 'caught' by God and our lives made better), which seems to be a common message in both our lives lately but espeically Mark's.  He got to meet alot of important people in my life that have been there through my pregnancy and high school and all that good stuff.  It was so good to see them again :-) Of course, I heard alot of "four months of being together and I'm just now findng out?!"  I am bad on updating people, that's also been a common theme lately but hopefully that will get better with practice.

We ate a GREAT home made meal, talked with Dad and Cyndi (Dad and Mark talked alot about games haha but I'm glad they talked at all!) and then I was dying to play some classic Nintindo 64 games.  I beat Andrew and Mark 3 times in Mario Cart WOO HOO!  Then they beat me in Super Smash Brothers...bad.  Poor Emily was having a rough day Sunday and it broke my heart to leave her :-( I hate leaving, but it's always worth it when I see her happy face and excitment when I come back next time.  Then we were off, alittle late than planned but the extra family time was worth it.  On the way back to school we stopped in to see his parents on the way and ate another great homecooked meal.  His mom made me fried okra(that I can't spell) and that really meant alot to me.  Ah, I love his family! 

So, Mark has offically met all of my sets of parents and I am pretty sure all approve and like him too.  Yay :-) Having him meet all of them, I feel like it opens a new line of communication because everyone has met him and seen how wonderful he is with me, kids, pets, and just everything he does and they'll know he's not just anybody.  He's special.

Ok, I really should go read and then I'm going to bed really early.

Night all <3

Holy cow, I am so excited.  My meeting with the pregnancy center went REALLY well. I love the atmposphere, the people there and their mission in helping others. It is exactly everything I feel like I want in a job some day.  It is a pro-life Christian based center which is really important to me because my faith in Christ is what helped me through my pregnancy, my decisions and He's what made my life what it is today.  I want to be able to share that with others and provide hope that they can have to help and hope in a better life too. 

There are alot of ways I can lend my time there but I told them that if it was possible I would like to help counsel clients and they said my experience with my pregnancy and as a birthmom will be valuable in helping others.  There is only one other birthmom volunteer they say and I hope to meet her, that's another reason I wanted to go there was to meet others who understand what I'm going/been through. I have to go through training to counsel though, and that doesn't start until March, so until then I just help around the office and little things whenever I can.  I am just super excited about all this, this is exactly where my heart and passion is.  We do however have to go through the aspects of abortion as well because every pregnant woman shoud know all her options, and I agree, but it still will be hard presenting all the information and the fact that the woman might go through with it. 

And oh my goodness, it's a beautiful day! It feels like spring outside which is extremely wierd since yesterday it was SNOWING.  Weird weather here. But it's a clear, blue sky day and I love it.  I had to stand/sit outside for the bus and it was just beautiful and warm, it's these kinda days I feel like rejoicing all day because of it's beauty and I just feel Him close.  Speaking of the bus, I hate riding it.  It's not riding it, it's the bus stops. I am alone, on the side of a busy road standing by a sign and it's scary.  I am so afraid some one will stop or something.  I hate it. I think I might be silly and ride the bus to get my car (that's a familar place and usually more people are there), drive there, volunteer, drive it back and then ride the bus back to school again.  I am that paranoid about it. And on the bus, this very nice but old obviously poor guy sat next to me and started conversations. He was nice but it just kinda makes me uncomfy thinking that these people will know my route and where I get off everyweek.  I'm just paranoid and I don't like it!

Also today, on my way to class, I got on the elevator, it stops on the next floor down and walks in a friend from WORK.  Work is not anywhere near here, in fact, almost 4 hours away!  So both of us were in shock with our mouths wide open and so excited to see each other. What a small world sometimes, I love it.  A great start to my morning and the happiness obviously flowed through the rest of my days :-)

Tonight is CRU! with Mark and hopefully Jessica, which I MAY be getting an apartment with next year. Whew, exciting week this has become :-)  Yea, the bad thing about counseling training: it's thursdays 5-8:30.  Thursday at 8:30 is the time for CRU, which basically means I will miss it because of riding the bus back. That really sucks but I'll be ok.  It wont last but for a few weeks and it will be worth the time I can give to others.  And there is always church on Sundays to uplift my soul! 

I get to home TOMORROW! It was a last minute kinda decision but I am so excited, I haven't seen them in at least 3 weeks.  And...Mark is coming with me (he hasn't met my dad's side yet).  I know they will love him. I feel like he'll fit right in with his love of bacon, videogames, football, and most of all God. He's just a good guy all around.

WEE!  Okey, time to get serious about some studying before CRU.

You know, I really hate when I spend days thinking of all the things I need to write about and update on in here and then I get her to do it...and forget it all. ugh.

Basically, things are going good despite all that is/was going on. Alot of change is happening but I really feel like I'm growing and learning from it all, and I'm happy.  Like, right now I know my priorities and I'm actually reading all the material for classes (see, Mark is a good influence on me!).  Last semester I would just put it off until test time and then it was just overwelming. I just feel like this semester is going to go REALLY well. I just feel it. I have this hopeful outlook on life right now.  My dreams and visions for life are coming back (writing a book someday, helping others, etc.) and I just feel so much more alive and well...happy. That's God working.  This is how I used to be, this is how I want to be. I love this feeling  

Today I made an appointment with the local pregnancy center to vounteer some time there.  Tuesdays and Thursdays I have pretty much all day to be there. Not that I would do that because I still have homework and other things to do, but I like knowing I have free time to get everything in I need/want to do.  I'm pretty sure the center just changed it's name and is now a Christian based center, which I love because that is exactly where I see myself working someday.  I want to be able to talk with girls that are pregnant and other birthmoms but I don't know if I'll be able to do that since I'm so young and inexperienced (not inexperienced personally, but schooling wise, they wouldn't want me counseling or something I'm sure). I'm just happy I'll be in there period,  I can observe and see all the things that go on and get a feel for how my job might be like someday. I am thrilled, thrilled at the thought of helping others, learning about my career someday and just because this is my passion, this is what I thrive off of.  The only thing I'm nervous about, the ride there and back. I have to take the bus and I won't go into my fears of that.  I'll just keep praying God will protect me.

I don't know why but right now I feel like I need to volunteer my time right now rather than be looking for a job. Not that  money isn't nice and a necessity right now, for some reason I feel like this volunteering is going to lead to other things.  Who knows, I just know I feel strongly about this and I'm excited I have this opportunity. 

It snowed again this weekend, not very much though, just an inch or two.  It was CRAZY windy though so it was unbearable to be outside for me so I didn't really play in it this time. Mark bought a sled so we have upgraded from the cafeteria trays ;-)  Maybe next time I'll get to try it when it's not so miserable to be outside. I did however (all the things I wanted to write about are coming back to me!) manage to make my first fall here at school. You see, my school is notorious for snow and ice and well, people falling on it.  Sunday was my first fall, and it hurt.  Silly me decided to twirl on ice with books and bags in my hands (aka, no balance) and I fell. It's so weird when you fall how you fast it comes and you're like "whoa, how'd that happen?!"  I hit my knee kinda hard (and have a bruise now) so I was laughing and crying at the same time.  Mark laughed pretty hard at me too, thanks Mark. 

Sunday, Mark and I went to a church I'd been to before but he hadn't.  I'm really excited because this time I (we) both feel like we've found a place we both enjoy and get alot out of.  Wee!  See, before I had went to the college service there and didn't really like it so we tried the regular service.  So, hopefully this is the place for us.  We also are thinking of going on a college retreat with this church in a few weeks. It's really cheap and looks like it will be a really great fun, growing, learning, meeting new people, experiencing God kinda trip (not to mention in a beautiful location!).  I'm excited. I'm expecting alot so hopefully it meets all that I'm hoping it will be.

Tonight is the premire of American Idol! EEK. I don't know why I am so excited really.  The beginning isn't even that great anyways, I think it's more about the time I spend with other people watching it so we can be girly girls and say things like "omg! I can't believe he just did that!" or Wow, she is so good." or something retarded like that. WEE!

Ok, I think I'm going to be really weird and out of character for me and get AHEAD on reading and homework. I tell you, something is wrong with me.  But I like it.

I feel productive.

Well these past few days have been interesting and drama filled to say the least.  But, I've felt my little heart being tugged hard towards the decisions I made and knowing God has a plan for all this, I find comfort.  As Superchick (a band..) said, beauty comes from pain.  From this pain I'm finding how much I need Him.  I'm finding that when words become harsh and tears fall, He's the only one here and knows the right things to say (plus with the help of my Mom ).  I love how when you are feeling absolutely low, alone and covered with bruises of invisible wounds and pain brought by words, it feels like He sends down His big, gentle hugs.  A sense of warmth and peace...everything is going to be ok.  I'm slowly coming back to where I was in my walk with Him.  Still so much to learn but this is what I asked for, I asked to be closer to Him and be strong with His light.  Right now, pain is the only way.  Yes, pain sucks. But through pain comes a stronger, wiser, growing person.  I need this, it's hard but I need it.  So in this time I still say Hallejulah and praise Him for what He's doing in my life.  Thank You.

So, in other news.  So far this semester is going well. Minus this horrid, liberal, cussing, English teacher that offended me with her words and disorganization.  Why does my school let in such teachers that don't even care about themselves it looks like, let alone their students.  I knew I wouldn't learn anything in that class and why should my favorite subject of reading and writing be ruined by a bad teacher? As soon as I left that class, I begged my old teaher to let me into his class and thankfully he likes me, so I'm in!  And I know I will enjoy the class much better. I now have 4 classes back to back from 10am to 2pm (I am completely STARVED by the time my classes are over!) and only one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Pretty nice if you ask me  I'm excited, I think it will be a great semester. 

Okey, well tonight we are going to Campus Crusade so I better get all the things on my list done before then.  And, tomorrow is Friday and a 3 day weekend! I kind of want to go home...but I don't feel like driving 3 and half hours.  Erg. 

Have a great weekend everyone.

Have we passed the point of no return? I think so.  Things are changing, we have different priorities, different lives than we used to.  We've lost touch, not only of our communication but of our dreams we shared.

Strangely, I'm ok. Time to move on?  I think so.