Just a few minutes ago, I sat here looking at pictures again of Mark with Kaylee. They turned out amazing and I love that I can always be able to look back at these always and SEE the care and acceptance my each of them. Two people I love dearly, who hardly knew anything about each other before, meeting and already forming something between them. I looked at the picture of Mark and Kaylee, held it up and said to him, "I love you, just seeing the care you have her, it just really touches my heart."  And I teared up and he came over to wipe my tears.  *sigh* This is love.  I cannot explain how happy I am. Indescribable joy. 

So our visit Saturday, obviously went well.  Mark stayed the night so we could get up semi-early and try my new eggnog pancake mix I got for Christmas.  And then we were on our way.  An hour an a half we sang, haha. I'm sure my mom was tired of our voices.  We get there and Blake and Kaylee are playing outside, so we played along. I rode Blakes awesome new motorcycle from Santa (It's like a powerwheels car but a motorcylce!) and Kaylee wanted to ride with me (yay!)

Blake (who is 5 and can't read yet) "read" to Mark (as my mom and I looked on an admired).  Kaylee was in a weird mood, she would get mad if you took off her Minnie Mouse hood (which she's still loving since she got it for Christmas) and trys to hit alot.  She still has her super cute, snuggly, big smiley moments.  After we ate lunch, we went back outside where Mark helped Kaylee make super good shots in the basketball goal.  Way too cute to watch.  I absolutely love watching those two together. We all had big smiles on our faces.

Later we were back inside all playing in Kaylee's room, which is where the true touching moments occured. Kaylee was getting tired and kind of snuggly (also had moments of grouchyness too).  Her and Mark played together for a while, Mark would make her "fly" by bouncing her on the bed, sort of.  She loved it of course.  Then she got completely tired and just layed down.  And then, came over to hug/snuggle Mark.  Wow.  You have no idea how much that means to me! And it means alot that Mark apparently is so impressed with Kaylee that he'd rather have a daughter someday (he's always said he's wanted a son, not that we wouldn't be happy with either someday  But it's usually always boy, boy, boy). 

Obviously alot of other cute and touching moments occured but I won't bore you with all that detail.  It was a very nice visit and one that I will treasue ALOT.  I just feel so blessed right now.

The past few days my mom kept commenting that we seem very "Smitten" with each other and have caught the "love bug."  She also asked me if I thought maybe Mark was the One. Wow. For my MOM (and also his Dad on another occation) to notice how much we care for each other in a complete genuine, positive way. Wow.  She keeps telling me, "Oh, I like Mark! He's such a good guy!"  YAY!

This is love.

And Pictures:

Oh the dreams I have. One day they'll come true.
I see this and think of our future.

Too. Cute.

The 3 of us, we know how to have fun.

Mark teaches Kaylee some things about fun

Mark talks to Kaylee with loving words and care in his eyes as Kaylee smiles
(This is the picture that makes me cry!)

Mark gets Kaylee snuggles

Oh, how I love her.  Mother and Daughter.

So happy together...

The End

I really don't want to go back to college.  As much as I love having my freedom there, all the snuggle time with Mark I want, and the possibility of having snow to play in, I miss being home.  Everyone else I know is like "YAY! I'm back in Boone! Home just isn't my home anymore." blady blady blah.  Why am I not like that?  It's not that I dislike college or I'm unhappy there. But, I just like having my family around. I like knowing there is Starbucks when I need it. I like knowing there is a REAL mall 10 minutes from my house. I like knowing I don't have to look for a job because I have one already and I work with awesome girls.  I like being able to use my cell phone, not pay roaming fees and not having to use a calling card for every call I make (punching in 5,000 numbers for a 2 minute phone call...ick).

I mean, it's not that I'm terribly sad or anything, I'm just not good with change.  I get used to being somewhere and then it's time to go. Isn't that life? I kinda feel like it's back in August again (except less stressful), I kinda of dread going back. An hour and half further away from the people I love, I get so out of touch with them while in college :-(  I like being able to update them freely without a phone bill to think about or an email to write.

I know once I get back I'll be ok, it'll just take getting used to again.  I miss my family already. Things are going SO well right now here at home, I feel so close to my Mom (mainly thanks to Mark...which is weird but I like it).  It'll take getting used to sharing my space again, I've had a room alone for almost a month and I know she has too.  It's just funny that the whole break I would tell Mark, "I can't wait to be back in Boone with you." Or, people ask how school is going and I talk about it glowingly and with a huge smile like I'm happy (and I was). But now here it is, my last day of break and I don't look forward to it really.  I'm not good with endings.

Feel free to skip this next part, it's only to help me feel better:

Ok so Let's think of the good things about moving back.  Freedom (always a plus), ALOT of Mark time (definitely worth it), finishing this school year and getting closer to my career goals, going to CRU (I've missed the music!), starting me and Mark's workouts together (and getting the body I had back!), I get to wear my new sweaters, hopefully be more social and make more friends and LAUGH.  Second semesters are always better, it's a known fact in Leah's history of schooling.  So get excited LEAH! (yes, I write to myself)

So, tomorrow I pack up my bags upon bags of things and head up the mountain.  Let's hope it snows soon.  That would help :-)

Well today was productive compared to yesterday.  I got up early, after I couldn't go to sleep last night and I woke Mark up by calling him...haha..Sorry about that Mark but thanks for talking with me until I was tired again! Went to see Gray (my social worker and my inspiration of why I want to be a social worker) and we chatted for a while.  That went well, as usual.  She said she could tell I was happy and doing well and that my relationship with Mark was a good and healthy one. That makes me feel good :-)  I've been through (and seen) so many negative relationships where one or the other is controlling, being used, abused or whatever and I'm glad I finally have one that makes us better people and HAPPY! We talked about Mark meeting Kaylee tomorrow and the emotions I'd probably go through.  Like, me dreaming that this could be us someday with Children or possibly (which I doubt I will)  that this is what I could of had.  But in reality, I know that everything happened for a reason and I wouldn't have met Mark in the first place if I hadn't of placed Kaylee and went to college.  And...we talked about me procrastinating on talking to my dad about things that I want to do or that are bothering me.  That's always been a problem for me, I just need to learn how to be strong and say what I need to say.  So, it was a good visit and nothing extremely exciting but it's always good to see her.

Then I went to pick up a few things for Mark's extremely late Christmas present (and I'm still not done...) and went to the bank to make my account even more happy!  I ate some good ol' taco bell and a REALLY good carmel apple thing they have (which I managed to drop globs onto my cat, which was in my lap..whoops) while watching The Perfect Man.  I really liked it, def. not one that's completely amazing and must have.  It's a totally predictable chick flick.   But I enjoyed it non-the-less and really liked the story. And for some reason, I am fancinated by Hilary Duff. I'll blame my sister for that one, she started me watching her movies lol. Hilary and her little sister in the movie really reminded me of me and my sister. Oh, I miss my Emily.

Sorry for the completely random and boring entry.  I'll go find something else to do to waste my time until Mark gets here.  We have so much fun things to do tonight, how will we ever find enough time?!  And we'll be seeing Kaylee tomorrow so look for updates and pictures sometime soon :-)

Fore warning: Leah is PMSing.

ugh.  An hour ago I was extemly ticked off. Now I want to cry. I hate you roller coaster emotions.  Hopefully this will be gone before I see Mark again and I'll be my normal self. I understand if the whole world wants to stay away for the next few days.

I basically spent the day on the couch snuggling with Holly my cat, watching a bunch of TLC.  Baby stories galore, it suprises me that it makes me tense to watch it again. I used to watch it when I was pregnant and I was like...holy cow I can't go through that. Then after Kaylee I was like...geez I went through that and then I'd cry cause I missed it haha.  Now I'm like..how in the world did I go through that and someday I'll do it again? Ow. 

Then I noticed a note on the fridge my mom left asking me to put away the clean dishes and put the dirty ones in the dishwasher.  Not a big deal, I love my mom, I know she needs help around the house and this is small task.  It's the fact that the mess in the sink sits there for weeks, it's gross.  It's the fact that my stepdad sits at home all day, working 24/7 and never takes the time to help out.  He works at home, it doesn't take long to put away the knife he used to spread his butter on his poptart in the morning.  I hate my mom has to come home to this everyday. I hate even more that I grudgingly help.  Why can't I like to clean?  It scares me that this is what my house is going to look like when I have a family. I hate it being dirty, but I hate cleaning.  With my mom, I've always grown up with messy houses and no chores. My dad's is completely different, you are expected to keep things clean, put your dishes away when you are done, there's expectations and for some reason I like that.  I need expectations (reasonable expectations) so I have goals and I will actually do them.

Today it's really hit me that there are alot of things that need improvement in my life.  God has been really tugging at my heart.  Overall, I'm happy at how things are.  But there is always someway to make it better.  I feel dry in my spiritual life, I need to pray more, read my Bible and attend church and just over all feel overflowing with Christ love with me all the time again.  My body isn't what it used to be, I've never taken the time or liked to exercise but I know I need to, I'd be alot happier and confident and will have more energy.

I've spent this afternoon feeling really heavy and sad but after talking with Mark, I feel tons better.  Thank you Mark.  You have no idea what a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I love knowing that you are still there modivating me.  I'm glad we have a plan of things and we are in all this together.  We can keep each other accountable, not just in our spiritual lives with God but with physical well being too. I love you very, very much and you continue to amaze me more and more each day.

To a happy 2006.  There's my resolutions right there. 

I always like to reflect on my past year when a new year comes.  I like seeing and recognizing the things I've done, experienced, overcome and grown. 
So let the jouney begin...

December 31st of 2005, I was lazily sitting on the couch with mom watching movies until the New Year, not that exciting.  But, I was excited for the new year.  The turn of the year meant it was finally 2005 and it was finally the year I was going to graduate high school and experience whole new things. 

2005 was the year our Adoptions of Love first reunion in Feburary. I skipped a day of school to fly into Indianapolis to see Breanna, spend my first night ever in a dorm and stay up unsightly hours eating doughnuts.  The next day we drove 5 hours to Chicago where the rest of the AOL ladies were.  We saw the amazing city of Chicago, ate the best pizza EVER and looked out above the city at scary heights, and shared our adoption stories with a pregnancy center.  Amazing trip and unforgetable.

2005 was the year I managed to go to not one, but two proms (and with two totally different looks!).  The first was with my old school where all my old friends were.  A night of fun with girls and seeing lots of old faces (and showing off Kaylee pictures of course).  A few weeks later, prom at my high school that I attended at the time with a date. I LOVED my hot pink dress, manacured nails and toes and my hair.  It was a great night, at least the best it can be with a friend as your date. 

2005 was the year I graduated high school.  With honor roll and a 3.5, I was proud and finally done.  Still, I was sad to see this chapter come to a close, so much change layed ahead but it was exciting. 

2005 was the year my daughter Kaylee turned 1 year old.  All my family (and Breanna!) and theirs joined together to celebrate this little girl's birth.  A hard day to live as I saw how fast this little girl had grown.   A whole year ago, she was brought into this world and for a moment, was mine.  Still, we had a good time. Tears of mine didn't fall until after she was asleep and it hit 9:00pm, the time she was born.  Even through the saddness, I am and was so greatful for the gift she and her family has given me, that I'm in her life. I am so blessed is all I could think. 

2005 was the year I was a Councelor In Training at Camp Hanes.  While I am still at discust thinking about camp, good memories still formed.  3 weeks of bonding, growing and well...wanting to come home. I finally recieved by 5 year paddle.  And, it was my last summer there. Goodbye Camp Hanes. 

2005 was the year I began my journey into college. Appalachain State, here I come. Packing was a nightmare, the thought of leaving was a nightmare, but still I was excited.  So much changing, was I ready?  Whether I was or not, I came and managed to stick through it.  I conquered the dorm living and bathroom sharing, the campus food, the cold air, my dying car and the different, hard style of college classes.  I did it.

2005 was the year I turned 18. Finally.  I still don't feel like it, I don't feel grown enough.  Still the number says I am. I can finally vote, among other things that I probably won't do.  Another visit with the AOL managers, lots of pictures and laughs.  Kaylee also came and showed off her walking skills and growing hair. 

2005 was the year I fell in love after so long.  2 years without dating, all coming down to just a few days.  A guy I'd been searching for, and finally found.  Awkard silences and shy smiles.  A night under the stars, confessions and getting to know each other.  Dancing in the hall ways or on frozen puddles, discovering a weird laughing habit, many firsts, many hugs, many smiles, many family visits.  How quickly it came, but how amazing.  What will 2006 bring to this relationship?  I anticipate the future.

2005 was the year of much needed family time and holidays. After being away at college for so long, I have grown to love and cherish my family even more. My sister is my favorite little girl (ok...maybe she ties with Kaylee).  I finally have the bond I've always wanted with her. From when she was born, I dreamt of us always doing our girly things together and loving every minutue. I love her and she is why is hate having to leave every time I come home. She is what I miss the most. She has helped me heal after Kaylee and every other moment I needed a hug and kiss.  Sisters and friends, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

It's amazing how much goes on in a year, it goes by so fast. Oh, where does the time go?  So much has changed.  So much accomplished and experienced.  I could go on forever writing about 2005.  2004 was by far the best year ever, but that's a whole 'nother post.  2005 kind of went down hill, but over all, it was a good year.  With all the change, I feel I've lost part of me and the happiness I had at the beginning of the year. 

2006 I hope and pray I get back to where I was in my relationship with Christ. I want to set my life back straight. I want to know everything I'm doing is for Him and it's His will that I'm doing.  I look forward to finishing my freshman year in college. More visits with Kaylee and the AOL ladies.  More family time.  More Mark time.  Summer time, working, vacations, WARM weather, etc.  Starting another year of college, growing closer to my career goals, feeling even more settled being away from home.  I imagine it will be another good year.

Lord, help me to be where you want me to be.  I want to make friends, I need friends that will help me be accountable for the things I do for You. It's a new year, a new start.  Help me back to where I used to be, and yet still push me forward.  I want to grow and learn even more.  I love new beginnings. So much to look forward to.

New Years/Trip with Mark and his family was fabulous.

Thursday, let me just say it was great to finally see Mark's big happy face and get a big hug after 2 weeks :-)  Mark had dinner with my mom and stepdad and me, and that went well of course.  I opened a few presents from my mom (One was pink Hello Kitty extremely soft pj pants! Breanna, I think you need some too!).  Then Mark and I headed to his house to stay the night becase we were leaving early Friday morning.  We stayed up later than we should have of course, plus his cat Jingles decided I was his new best friend and wanted to be in my face all night, so I didn't get much sleep.  But, thankfully we had a good...oh...7 to 8 hour drive ahead of us so we had plenty of time to rest.  It's weird how fast the drive went by, usually 8 hour trips with my family are r.e.a.l.l.y. s.l.o.w. and boring but having Mark there to talk the whole way and snuggle was great.  We stayed in Berlin, Maryland. Oh my gosh it's a beautiful little town, it looks like your walking right back into time with it's old timey street lights and all these store windows and everyone knows everyone. All the Christmas lights and decorations were still up. We took a walk just the two of us at night, it was beautiful and completely romantic.  Runaway Bride was filmed there so we had fun seeing all the places in the movie too. 

His grandparent's house was amazing, really old and had lots of old things in it. For some reason I really like the starcase, I donno why. The steps are just shorter and there are more of them and it had a long wooden banaster that ended in a swirl. It just made me feel like, back in time I guess. That town will do that to you. I used to love things like that, things that sweep me out my modern time and into the past.  I guess I still do.  Now his grandparents, they were nice but very formal so it always had kind of an uptight, don't put your feet up, eat all your food, don't breathe feel. But we still managed to have fun. 

Saturday we went to the mall in Salisbury where I met up with Terri from AOL and her family. It was kinda awkward, it always it without Bre there. Bre just makes it easy to talk to everyone lol.  Plus, it just seems like this year we all aren't as close so I had no idea what to talk about because I have no idea what going on in her life anymore. I just...feel so left out sometimes but I guess that's life.  It was still great to see her and her adorable girls. Kaley had the CUTEST ugs (those boots...donno how to spell it) that were purple and lit up.  Cute.  I sucessfully spent exactly the right amount at Bath and Body Works with the gift card Mark gave me (thanks for waiting for me taking me time in there Mark..haha).  I discovered lots of new stuff there and I still have $20 left to spend there from Mark's grandparents. WEE!  I love your family Mark.  And not just for the gifts lol They are sweet, open hearted, kind and I enjoy being with them.  I'm glad they've opened their arms to me, I feel like part of the famly. I think this trip helped alot with that and we all feel comfortable, I like that :-)

DUH, I almost forgot to write about New Years!  I have always wanted a romantic New Years and especially with someone I really care about.  Well, I was just thrilled enough to be spending it with Mark period, expecting his family to be around.  But, it turns out they all went to bed and my amazingly idea filled Mark, planned a surprise :-) Minutes before it turns midnight he leaves the room to 'get things ready' and then tells me to close my eyes and hold my hand as he guides me into the other room.  I opened my eyes to find something both of us had been dreaming about for a while, a candle lit evening.  We had some sparkling white grape juice (haha we're young...) in nice glasses and he brought down my alarm clock so we know what time it was. At midnight I finally got my first kiss for the New Year (my first New Year with someone special), we toasted and drank our sparkling juice and dreamed of all what is to come.  It was amazing. Simple, but everything I imagined and wanted the night to be. 

 Sunday we went to Ocean City and walked the boardwalk. Where, I got tired so Mark, his mom and I stopped while his dad and brother went on.  Mark and I went out onto the beach and laughed and danced and dreamed.  All while making a married couple with a kid on the beach near by incredibly jealous as they wandered "what happened to us being like that?!"  We also took several amazing pictures of us. To bad they're on his camera phone so they will never be real pictures.  I will still enjoy his phone's wall paper and think of fond memories :-)  Later that night Mark and I got bored so we played card games.  Which, I somehow beat him at every game except one. Poor guy.  I really didn't try to win, but I guess I could have let you win a time or two, huh ;-)  It was still extremely fun as I rubbed in the fact I was winning.  Thanks for being a good sport.  It's times like that night that I enjoy the most. Pure laughter, jokes, hugs and smiles. That is family to me, it's fun, and its something I really treasure and love.  I'm glad I have that with you Mark.

Monday we got up early and drove back to NC.  That trip flew by even faster than the way up.  I ended up just saying the night at Mark's again because we were all exhuasted and it was rainy. So yet another day with Mark :-) Technically 6 days non-stop. Wow.  My mom things it's great we aren't sick of each other yet!  Is that possible?!  Psssh...

Basically, the trip was amazing.  I've grown to love and know Mark even more and I feel so, so blessed to have him in my life.  He's everything I've wanted and dreamed of.  Seeing him with his family, his cats, the love his has for everything he does and oh, how I love all the things he dreams up.  I just feel really lucky right now, knowing I have a part of that. 

Now, I'm going to go wash my face (with what? I have no idea since I left it at Marks..ugh) and then put on my new mask from Bath and Body Works. WEE! And relax :-)

I am so, so lucky.  Night all.

Just wanted to let you guys know I finally finished the Kaylee pictures from out visit.

Now Go! for Kaylee cuteness.  They aren't the greatest, but they work.

I see Mark TOMORROW! And I, to say the least, am excited.  It will be 2 weeks since we've seen each other tomorrow, it was actually harder than I thought it would be.  It wasn't horrible, we both had fun in our seperate states and families haha.  But, I just can't wait til I have a Christmas with that special someone. 

Ok, I must go to bed early tonight so the earlier I'll wake up, the rested I'll feel, and the sooner I can be on my way to see Mark. WEE!

Have a great New Years folks, I won't be here to wish you one. WEE!  And I'll be back to update on my fabulous trip with Mark next week in 2006. Wow.

Yes folks, Leah is in love. 

Sorry, just needed to restate that as it's becoming even more obvious to me.  All I can say is wow...I'm a lucky, lucky girl and so incredibly happy.

I promise, I will update on my Kaylee visit/add pictures/etc. soon.  And, I'll write all about Christmas too, so look for that coming up.

YAY.

Mark countdown: 3 days.  Oh, I cannot wait to see you!

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Christmas. Off to bed to wake up early tomorrow  Night <3

I still believe I have the cutest daughter ever, but I'm pretty sure most mothers are bias haha!  Kaylee is now a year and a half and she has grown so much. It's hard to believe she is the same little baby I held June of 2004, time flies.  She's becoming so independent, knows what she wants for sure and knows how to get her way with her cuteness.  People say she looks alot like me now, except she's chubby and I've always been skinny minny.  It still is so weird to think I have a little girl on this earth, a little person that looks like me, has my ears and nose.  Weird, but I love it.

My family and her basically sat around talking, exchanging presents, etc. Same as always.  I was a Kaylee hog, she was in my lap pretty much the entire time.  I love that about her parents, when I come around they basically put me in charge of her. It gives them a break and me a chance to play and feel like her mom for just a moment. Blake wasn't all over me as he usually he, I'm sure because he had Emily and Andrew play with him and lots of new toys (which he enjoyed the dr. kit we gave him...and then he took over Emily's Barbie..eek!).  We gave Kaylee a Minnie Mouse out fit (the jacket has minnie mouse ears and the pants have a tail!) and an Eeyore outfit (with same cuteness). She absoultely loves them!  She wanted Minnie Mouse on and THEN wanted the Eeyore one on top of it...way to adorable.  AND they had to zipped, she likes to zip and unzip things. How on earth did she get so big?! 

She can say lots of words, as long as she feels like it haha.  She says no in the cutest way, it's just a quiet little "no" as she shakes her head.  Gah, I love her!  And she gives hugs (like to her new care bear from my nanny) and kisses. 

Mom couldn't make it because of work so she, me and mark are driving down to see her our last weekend before school. Mark is going to meet Kaylee...eek! I've never had a guy meet my Kaylee...at least with my presence there.  And for 2 people I love so much to finally meet, I still donno how I feel about it. I mean, it's all good  :-) but Kaylee is my daughter, my love for her is..is...indescribable and completely pure and overflowing.  I guess I feel like I want Mark to feel that too, even though I know he won't feel that in the same way because she's not his.  For some reason, I think it'll be weird to see the guy I'm in love with holding and playing with this little girl I love so much, but isn't his.  It'll be weird in a good way of course. I guess it's kinda like when my stepmom met me for the first time when I was Kaylee's age. I wonder how that was for my dad?  And yet now, Cyndi loves me as a child of her own and I love and respect her as a mother figure.  Our relationship is obviously different than my own mom's but they are both great in different ways. ANYWAYS, I just wonder if it will ever be like that for Mark and Kaylee.

Christmas Eve Tomorrow!  YAY!

Yes, my 6 days straight of working is OVER. 4 days off. Hallalujah.  Now, I get to relax, let my legs heal (seriously...some muscle in my leg/"fanny" is killing me...), sleep in, catch up on Christmas movies and clean. Oh, it will be a good four days.

Friday I see Miss Kaylee, as you probably know.  Tonight my mom called there and Kaylee got on the phone to tell her "hi!" My mom called me just to tell me that.  She was obviously tickled. Everyone loves Kaylee   1 and half days until I see those bright eyes! 

And New Years?  I now get to spend it with Mark in Maryland with his family   My first new years with him or any other guy.  Yay! I am excited.  I got people to cover my work cause I'm leaving my dad's thurday to get where I need to be.  I'll get to see my mom a little too, so that makes her happy (and me too of course).  AND, I get to see the lovely Terri from AOL, hopefully, since she doesn't live too far away from where we are staying. Did I mention I'm excited?  AND, since I'm going with them, it means I get to see Mark a whole week and some days sooner than expected *insert huge, huge smile here* But, I'm nervous.  4 days with Mark's family, alot of Mark's family, that I've never met or only have a few times. 4 days I feel like I need to be on my BEST behavior. They are going to see my quirks, like how I take 30 minute showers and even longer to get ready. I snort when I laugh and um...other embarresing things that only happen when I'm around Mark. They'll see me possibly without makeup and my crazy, greesy hair in the mornings (especially now that I have semi-bangs...wow..crazy hair).  eek. I just want them all to like me.  Katie at work says I have nothing to worry about cause, "I'm gravy."  hahaha.  Yeah, anyways, it will be ok I'm sure cause him and his family are amazing, awesome people. But still, I just hope I do ok. 

I've really enjoyed talking with my mom lately.  Every now and then we get on these really good 'clicking' modes where we talk ALOT about good stuff and it's just really uplifting and reminds me why I love my mom so.  Then of course we have the totally opposite modes where all we do is fight and nit pick...but these good times make up for it.  There's not other bond like the one between us, it's great.  We've been talking alot about Mark and this upcoming trip and it's just been really encouraging. I can tell she sees a difference in Mark and I's relationship and I know that she approves, and I like that.  It's a good change from the past. Mark obviously is just a good change all around.

Did I mention I'm excited?